Being a No Sabo kid #angst ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

 For some background on myself, I am mixed, half white (Irish and Polish) and half Mexican. I'm a first-gen, meaning my mom was the one to immigrate from Mexico. Despite that, my mother never taught me or my siblings Spanish; my oldest sibling was able to comprehend some Spanish when he was younger because my abuelo and abuela raised him for 2 years, so he picked up a little Spanish. But my grandparents moved after I was born, so I didn't get that experience, and my mother, for some reason, didn't teach us.(¬_¬) Probably due to what she had on her plate, it just wasn't the first thing to come to her mind. Also, my father didn't really like people speaking in a different language around him, as he finds it rude. That might have something to do with it, even though he now complains rudely about my mother not teaching us.(¬`‸´¬) Along with not learning Spanish, we didn't experience much Mexican culture except when my relatives are with me, as my mother never did anything with us. For example, cooking Mexican food, I was able to learn from my abuela, though. I did take Spanish in middle school, but let's be honest, the American school system is not teaching us Spanish to the level of proficiency. I didn't take it in high school since I took Japanese instead, stupid in hindsight, but I wanted another experience; sue me. Not being able to speak the language the rest of your family speaks is very isolating, to no fault of theirs, of course. I get left out of conversations that are happening in front of me; all I can do is stare off as I listen to them since I don't want to be rude and go on my phone or do something else. (╥﹏╥) They also use it as a tool to keep conversations private from me, making it feel as if I am unwanted. I understand that's not their intent; it's just easier for them, but it's hard to ignore that feeling. It also creates uncomfortable situations where I am trying to guess what my older relatives are trying to say to me, as they don't speak English fluently. This causes me to hide or try not to be alone with them, as I don't like those uncomfortable silences and fumbling to understand each other. Which, in turn, makes me feel bad for trying to avoid them since I do love my family; I just struggle with that anxiety. I have gotten a lot better as I've taken 2 elementary Spanish courses in college and will be continuing with a minor in it. I can understand a lot more, and I'm proud of it, but still I am nowhere near fluent. I just feel I have missed opportunities for connections with my family, and I in no way blame them or my mother. I understand they have no intent of anything other than love and are just communicating the way most comfortable for them. This is going to be it, as I don't feel like turning this into a therapy session and just want it as a small look into my side. I hope to get better at Spanish and learn more about my culture and heritage.